“What do I do, what do I do, my blog post is nearly 3 months over due. I admit that it’s lame and that it’s no game. Do I start again or say adieu? What do I do? What do I do?” – My take on Shel Silverstein’s Overdues
There has been a lot going on. A lot that I’ve wanted to talk about, and yet not talk about. So many things that I’m overwhelmed by them all, which isn’t really an unnatural state for me these days. I am going to subject you to a bullet list, something I rarely do, in an effort to get you caught up. Those of you who see my FB or twitter updates have probably heard most of this, but you also know that there are things that never appear there. That’s why I have this space.
* The Boy failed his haring test in December, and the more specific test in January. He has been dx’d with mild hearing loss in one ear. Enough so that he now has a hearing aid in his left ear, and we’ve been in mostly weekly speech therapy. We are also meeting every few weeks with a lady from the Idaho School for the Deaf and Blind. They are an excellent source for resources. I’m hoping, at some point, to be not so overwhelmed with my life and be able to meet other parents in the area who also have children with hearing issues.
* The hearing loss explains why it’s taken him so long to be able to talk. I am so very tired of people telling me “X didn’t talk until they were Y years old and they’re just fine” or “Once he starts talking, you’ll regret trying so hard”. I would give my left arm if it would make him be able to talk. He is doing better, though. We have a half-dozen signs and words, with only a little overlap. I wish I could get him to understand the concept of “want” – right now I will say “do you want cereal?” and he will sign “cereal”…and then scream when I hand it to him, because it’s NOT what he wants, he just recognized the word and had a sign.
* He has also been dx’d with oral sensitivities. He chews all up front, not using his molars at all. He likes things that are highly textured or flavored, which is making it hard to get him to eat. It’s quite likely the reason we had such a hard time getting him to go from bottle to sippy, and to even start eating solids. I feel slightly guilty, because I feel vindicated for my parenting choices. I had a lot of people telling me “you should just take his sippy away and he’ll eat when he gets hungry”. Um, no. He wouldn’t have, and I didn’t do it because I KNEW he wouldn’t have. I want to crow to people and say “see? I told you it wouldn’t have worked. He wasn’t being stubborn, there was a REASON he wouldn’t eat, he just couldn’t tell us.” I haven’t, though, because it’s not nice.
* School. OMG school is sucking really bad this semester. I cannot get my shit together. I am failing one class (stats) and am close to failing two others. I have to get at least a C in all of them or I have to retake them because they are required for my minors. We are only 8 weeks in and I’ve already threatened to just quit altogether (twice, at least) and get a job flipping burgers. Which I can’t physically do, but whatever, you get the point. We got our financial aid amounts listed for next semester and I’m not sure how it happened, but I’m getting nearly $2K less than I did last year…and tuition is going to go up. If we can’t afford the house and daycare, I might HAVE to get a job. I can’t go to school if I can’t put The Boy in daycare, because someone has to take care of him. I have to be able to pay the mortgage or I have no house. It’s just stressful and I really just want to throw my hands up in the air.
* Dad. There are a lot of things going on with dad right now. You can read about them over here. I don’t want to write them all again, but know that it’s health related, scary, and I DON’T FUCKING WANNA DO IT. That should sum it up.
*Family. Spring Break is next week, which means late last week and all of this week is what I affectionately term “hell week”. I had a psych exam last Thursday. I had my non-verbal communications exam on Monday, Stats Tuesday, Anthropology today, and a paper due in that first psych class tomorrow. I should be working on it. I don’t want to. I’m blogging instead. Yay for you! Where does family fit in? Well, let me give you a run down of the last week:
Wednesday: Dad and M showed up for his pre-op workup. I had volunteered to have M stay with us, because I’m a nice daughter.
Thursday: Dad should have been in surgery at noon, didn’t get in until 4. He stayed over, which means M was home with me.
Friday: Took M to the hospital with Dad, took The Boy to his hearing aid appt. Went back to see dad, only to find out he’d fallen and split his lip. Gave up, got The Boy down for his nap. Got a message at 3:10 that speech therapy was cancelled, but IESDB would still be coming. She showed up at 3:30, dad and M got there at 3:45.
Saturday: Dad and M left at 10am. Chuckles and Giggles (you remember them?) called at noon – “what are you doing in 4 hours?” “we’re gaming, why?” “at the house?” “yes, why are you in town?” “We will be in 4 hours!” So the boys arrived at 4, Chuckles and family at 4:30 and they stayed until 8:30. Why? Because Aaron’s oldest sister and HER three kids were coming into town and wanted everyone together.
Sunday: 9am, leave the house and head to the inlaws. 14 people packed in a very small space, smaller than one of our little bedrooms. 14 of us. And a dog. A dog who ended up snagging The Boy with her tooth. Finally, at 4:00 Sunday, we were alone. It was so nice.
But yes. His oldest sister. She irks me. Just thinking about her makes me sullen and want to kick things. She said something the last time she was here, one of those things that sticks with you, and I can’t seem to rationalize myself out of it. It has totally ruined my attitude towards her and see her in a different light. Let’s also add this: I’ve known since February that they were coming this weekend. I told her our schedule then – that M/W is a 15 hour day for husband, I don’t get out of class until 7pm on Tuesday, so if she wanted to see us it would probably have to be Sunday. With that many people we didn’t really get to talk with them. Tuesday she took husband and the Boy out for dinner. Today we get a call from his Aunt, wanting to know if we could meet for dinner in 2 hours. Upon hearing that he doesn’t get out of school until almost 9 at night and goes to work at 7am, she decided that we just weren’t worth a stop (apparently the Boy and I don’t count) and they’ll catch us “next time”. Which? I’ve seen them once since the Boy was born. Good luck with that.
I’m frustrated all to hell and back with people right now. People who seriously do not understand that we are two students – one full time, one 3/4 time – parents to a toddler with appointments up the wazoo, and one of us works. We can’t just drop whatever we are doing when you call and go out somewhere with you. It doesn’t work like that, sorry. It’s not like his Aunt didn’t know they were going to try and come through – she could have let us know days ago. My husband could have tried to arrange to make up his math test he’s supposed to have tonight, or take it early, so we could meet with them. His sister could have made it a point to meet with just US on Sunday so she could actually see us. But no, we are expected to drop whatever and just meet up at their convenience. But that’s asking too much because, as his sister put it last year, “it’s not all about you, Jen”. Nope. Just like with my sister, I’m expected to drop it all and bend to others.
Sigh. Stuff. Things. Wanting to scream, or cry, or something. Give up. Listen to the little voice that sometimes whispers, or chants, or downright screams at me that I’m worthless, useless, stupid, a drain on my family’s resources. I have 8 hours of neuropsych testing on Friday to see if they can figure out what’s going on with my words. My brain is structurally normal, but my words keep up and walking away. More specifically, I’ll be holding a conversation and it’s like I run into a wall…one where there are no words, not in my head or in my mouth, and I can’t remember what I was trying to do or say. I just sit there and stare while whoever I’m talking to stares back because they have no idea what I was trying to say either. It’s not fibrofog, because it’s not foggy, there’s just a WALL and then nothing. I’m hoping that they will find the answers to a lot of whatever-the-fuck is wrong with me because I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having to smile for people and act like I’m okay when I’m not. I’m tired of dumping everything on my poor husband because he’s the only one I trust to understand without thinking bad of me…and I’m not entirely convinced of the last part of that statement. But he married me, so he gets to listen to me until such time as he doesn’t want to anymore and then he knows where the door is.
Sorry this got so rambly. As often happens when I post, I start writing and it all comes pouring out. Thank you for reading and letting me know you’re here.