It’s a happy ranty day!

It looks like December is going to be our IUI time!

The inlaws have agreed to smoke outside for the next 6 months. In return, we will do the IUI…most likely in December. Hopefully the beginning of December – what a Christmas present that will be for everyone! Assuming it works the first time, which I really hope it does because I don’t think I have the courage to do it a second time. It’s taken me a year to finally work up the nerve to even think about this!

I called the RE the other day before I went to work. I told the lady that I had been a patient up until last August and at that time we were told IUI was our only option. We couldn’t afford it and weren’t ready then, but life is getting in line and cooperating with us now…and we would be ready by December. I asked what we needed to do now…and she told me to call back in OCTOBER! ACK! I may call today and set my appointment for then…but if they want to do CD3 b/w that’s going to be hard. My cycles are so wonky these days that I can’t predict them!

I can’t decide if I’m upset that they want to wait to see me or not. On the one hand, what if something has changed? What if my hormones are all screwy and need fixing? It might take a few months to get it all straightened around…and I’m trying to keep to a schedule of sorts so I don’t miss so much school. On the other hand, however…I’ve started taking my Metformin again. Aaron will be taking a vitamin called Fertility Blend as soon as it arrives on the doorstep. I’m also working on eating better, losing at least 10% of my weight – all of which increase our chances of getting pg naturally, or at least helping the IUI succeed.

I’m just all up in the air. I don’t know what to wish for, what I want. Mom’s being a killjoy again – this time I snapped at her and she apologized. Hopefully that will keep her out of my hair for a while. I mean, I told her we were going to do IUI in December and she said “Oh Jennifer…you just bought a house, you’re going back to school and now you want to be pregnant TOO?” As if this was a new thing, mom? I told her that YES we want to be pregnant now…I wanted to be pregnant 2 1/2 years ago too but it didn’t work and hasn’t yet. I finally have the opportunity to do what the docs want, life is getting in order, and I don’t want to be having my kids at 40 (no offense to the AMA’s out there…). I want them NOW, dammit, not later. She said she’s afraid I’m not thinking clearly about how hard it’s going to be to be pregnant, go to school AND work all at the same time. I showed her that yes, yes I am. I fully plan on being sick morning,noon, and night while pregnant. I’m going to have to work anyways…I may as well go to school too. I can handle it if I have to – I’m an adult, realize it or not. I probably won’t make it to summer semester next yet – at least, not in person. But I CAN take online courses at BSU, do it from home, just in case I get put on bedrest. If we do this in December the kid is going to be due in August/September…and I don’t want to go into labor during finals. If I do it from home it’ll be better.

I just really wish mom would realize that while we respect her enough to tell her when we are doing things we are not asking her permission or blessing. I’m 29 years old…plenty old enough to make my own decisions. Since becoming financially responsible I haven’t screwed us over, gotted us in over our heads, bankrupted us, lost our housing, not had food to eat, nada. As a matter of fact we’re in a better place than we ever have been – we’ve made great leaps and bounds in getting life to work with us in the past year. By the end of the year we’ll have the bed to pay off…and then the monthly bills. That’s it! We’re growing up – it’s painful, but it happens. I just wish she could see it. I’m the daughter who has questioned everything, always – the one who everyone swears makes up scenarios that could never happen, the one whose mother used to say “If Jen didn’t have something to worry about she’d make something”. The one whose mother is now saying “I don’t think you’ve thought this through”.

Sometimes I think she’ll never be happy with the way I run my life – nothing will satisfy her. She’s always told me to relax, don’t worry so much, don’t try to plan so far ahead. I’m not relaxing, I’m worrying as much as ever, and I’ve planned so far ahead I can’t even see the end…and yet I try to only worry about a month at a time, or at least to the end of the year. It’s June and I don’t have my budget done for next year – I must be sick! 🙂 But she has to see that I’m all growed up, even if I do still need my mommy and want her approval…right?

Thanks for listening y’all…this didn’t turn out the way I thought it would, but hey – sometimes you just have to get stuff off your chest. I’m off to go clean the house (new furniture, and it’s been 6 months..). I look forward to your comments!

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