Man, what is UP with me lately?

I guess it’s true what they say about clomid. It stays in your system for 6 weeks…and they don’t call it cloMOOD for nothing. I have been seriously hormonal for a week now. I am not taking it this cycle, as I want my body to have a rest and NOT get cysts. However, I feel like I’m constantly PMSing (which I’m obviously not, since today is CD7). I’ve been crying all day – over a mess I made on a forum, trying to help DH with the kitchen and being in the way, over an English assignment. I’ve been tearing up at regular old books, songs I’ve heard dozens of times, commercials on the TV. This is not me. I don’t cry like this.

I just feel emotionally raw. And overwhelmed. And frustrated by what isn’t overwhelming me. I want to scream, throw things, rage at the world. I feel like no one understands, even though they do. I feel alone, even though I’m not. I want to make the world understand, and I can’t. All I do is make a mess, make everyone mad at me…which only makes me cry more, try to make them understand more, and make them angrier at me. Vicious cycle, that.

My poor husband is “baffled boy”. He doesn’t know what to do with me. His wife is behaving oddly and he can’t fix it. He doesn’t understand that I don’t want him to fix it, exactly. I want him to support me. Instead he just says “Don’t read those things that upset you. Ignore them.” He doesn’t understand that I can’t – I have to respond. I am driven to educate people – and it makes me sad when they don’t/won’t understand.

I am consumed by the desire to spare others the pain of comments that cut to the quick, even when they are intended to help. I know that people don’t MEAN to be insensitive, that they feel the need to say something – anything – to make the person who hurts feel better. Sometimes it would be better if they just didn’t say anything, or just hugged them. If you, dear reader, come across someone who is suffering from something…stop and think before you open your mouth. Put yourself in their shoes, just for a minute, and think how your words could be interpreted. That’s all I ask – and I realize it’s a big thing to ask.

I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone with today’s post. Like I said before, I am emotionally raw. Between the hormones, and my english essay that I am researching (probably about 12 pages on infertility), I don’t feel in control. My usual filters are gone, and I feel very lost without them.

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1 Comment

  1. I’m sorry your having a hard time with the clomid Jennifer. It’ll be all worth it though soon. And hopefully sooner than you think too. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

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