I’ve been lapped…

again.

Now, a disclaimer before I post: I am happy for my IF sister who has lapped me. Don’t get me wrong. If your’e reading this, hun (and you know who you are), please believe that I am SO happy for you. I thank you for sending out a small Email before posting for the whole board. But you also know, having done this for many years, how hard it can be for those of us on the outside still. And thus begins my post.

As most of you know by now, Aaron and I have been TTC almost 3 years. It will be 3 years sometime next month – I don’t know when I stopped taking my pills, because I didn’t bother to count. I didn’t think it would take THIS long. About 6 months into starting, I had a chemical pregnancy. At the time I didn’t know what that was, and went in search of answers. I stumbled across the WebMD JSO board, where I made my home for a year after that. At the end of that year, I moved over to the 6+ board, and eventually on to ITSG/CFC board.

While I was on the JSO board I met a wonderful group of women. They eventually moved off the boards and onto yahoo, but have still kept in touch with each other. A new group of girls moved in, and I became friends with them. We all moved over to 6+ about the same time, and some of us ended up on the ITSG/CFC board and have remained a source of support for each other all this time.

I have now been lapped by two of my sisters. They have each announced a second pregnancy while I am still waiting for my first. I don’t begrudge them their trials in getting pregnant both times – Lord only knows if I would be able to go through what they’ve gone through once, let alone twice. They deserve this. But…it’s hard to be completely happy. I want to rage “Why?! Why not some of the rest of us who are still waiting for our first?! Why do others get to have more than one while some of us would be totally ecstatic to have just one?” Isn’t there a queue somewhere, with God handing out babies to those in line? Are these other people just line cutters…or are the rest of us just not paying attention and missing our turn?

Sometimes I feel like I no longer have the right to bitch when others announce their pregnancies and I’m still waiting. It’s not like I’m doing treatments anymore, and we know that without help we only have a 1% chance each month. I’m not using opk’s, or temping, or eating the magical juju fruit. I’m trying very hard not to time sex anymore either – it’s taking too much of a toll. I want my life back, but I want to be pregnant too. On the other hand, it would probably be for the best if I didn’t get pregnant right now, since I’m trying to go to school. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it, doesn’t mean I won’t be thrilled as all hell if we somehow manage it. But if I’m not trying, really trying, anymore…what right do I still have?

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2 Comments

  1. Gosh it’s hard, Tigger. I wish I had words of wisdom to make it easier, but I don’t. All I can say is that you’re not alone. For what it’s worth, there are others (like me, for instance) who feel the same way.

    Thanks for stopping by the blog and for your kind words. I really appreciate it!

    Reply
  2. Mr Blue Sky

     /  January 25, 2007

    Hey Tigger, I can only echo zee.
    I’m a man of little wisdom and can say that the ONLY thing that got us through was HOPE.
    Take care of yourself and Mr T x

    Reply

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