Hello? Hello?? *TAP**TAP*

It appears that some of you are still checking in on me. I apologize for it being almost a whole freaking month since I last blogged. Life has been slow, and yet very very busy. I haven’t had a whole lot going on besides school and work, and nothing special going on in either place…all of which means I don’t have a lot to say. But tonight…well, tonight God decided to let me know He still has a sense of humor and I’m still the butt of his jokes. So I decided to swing by and update anyone who is still lurking around for me.

Last weekend, Aaron and I went away for the whole weekend. It was the end of spring break and we just needed some time away from everyone and every thing. We went to McCall, Idaho and stayed at The Whitetail Club. It’s a 5 star place – full resort. We’ve never been to a place that nice and I’d love to go back over the summer. It was really relaxing! On the way there, we passed a white horse. So what? you ask. Well, my grandmother taught me a ritual that you do any time you pass a white horse. It goes “Spit, Spot, white horse. Money before the week is out!” and is accompanied by some hand movements. I, out of habit, did this when we passed it. It’s always worked for dad and Nan, some day it’s bound to work for me…right? Today it did. I received a check in the mail from our home mortgage company because we apparently overpaid our escrow. The amount? $11 shy of what we spent on our trip. 🙂 Way cool!

Two days ago my sister in law approached me with a “special request”. She’s gotten into some financial trouble thanks to a roommie who lied to the landlords and needs to move back home for a bit to get on her feet again. I talked to Aaron about it and he said it was ok. She’s going to be paying us rent again, and I don’t have to give up my coveted office space. She’s going to be sleeping in the 3rd bedroom, on the spare bed we have in there. With the cats. And the cat box. I feel so evil for feeling such glee at this. She’s developed an allergy to the cats since she went to college and my monster kitty absolutely LOVES my SIL. 🙂 I know he’ll be sleeping on her face, keeping her awake with his incessant purring. Today she asked to borrow $200 – and she’ll pay us back as she pays us rent. Being the supportive people we are, and me remembering what it was like trying to get up on my own feet not so long ago, we agreed. I hope this doesn’t bite me in the ass.

Today, two very important things happened. These are the things that made me remember that God (or karma, take your pick) hasn’t forgotten me. The first is that my MIL got her lump sum payment for her disability. She’s been trying to get on disability for 3 years…she finally got approved (bench decision) last month. She hasn’t even gotten her first monthly check yet, but got the lump sum. This means she and my FIL can get all caught up on their debt, get all of it paid off, pay their other bills on time. And move out. You heard me. My MIL informed me tonight that over dinner, she and FIL discussed moving out in a year. They want to give us time to get caught up on our bills *snicker* *snort* and figure out what we’re going to do. Do? Sell the damn place, of course. We can do nothing less, because we can’t afford the payments without them here. PANIC MODE ALERT! There is a TON of work that we need to do. Replace all the flooring in every room and paint all the walls with KILZ and new paint. It’s going to cost us a little over $2k because we’re willing to pay someone to lay the flooring for us. With me in school full time, working part time, and Aaron working full time…we don’t have time for this. It’s worth it to pay for my sanity. It looks like we’re going to be getting started on this very soon, so we can do it little by little. It all has to go on a credit card.

The second thing is that Aaron’s oldest nephew called tonight. He’s getting married in July – we’ve known this since last year. He’s 19 years old, his fiancee is about the same age I think. Tonight he called to tell us…she’s pregnant. I am not sure what to do with this. I swear by all that is holy that once again, just as I get used to the idea that we’re better off without kids and I’m going to survive and I’m ok with my friends being pregnant…that someone else comes along to shoot me. How stupid can people be? Kids KNOW that if you don’t use protection you run the risk of getting pregnant. Did he think that just because Uncle Aaron’s boys don’t work, his wouldn’t either? Aaron is the only male in his family with this issue – he’s also the only one with spherocytosis. Besides his uncle John and we can’t prove anything there because he also had the measles, which make you sterile. I’m not happy for our nephew or his fiancee. I think it was stupid of them, and I’m rather upset with karma at the moment. I ARE NOT AMUSED!

I keep hoping we’ll win some major money somewhere so I can adopt a child or something. I’ve given up on getting pregnant – it’s just not going to happen and I am not willing to go through IVF. Never have been, from the very start. Kudos to those who do/are, it’s just not for us. Outsiders don’t get this, and I’ve given up explaining it to them. Wilma’s SIL has gotten them to join her business, selling telecommunications. The SIL knows our issues – hell, everyone knows by this point. We went over to Wilma’s house last night and were talking about the business. The SIL says “There is this couple I met, they live here. They tried and tried to get pregnant and couldn’t…same boat you were in. They started working this business and making money. She was able to write a check for $22K and go through IVF and now her son will be a year old. When I heard this story I immediately thought of you. You could do this business, have the treatments and not have any debt.” I swear…I almost slapped her. Aaron just looked at me and I looked at him, and I knew he understood. That’s all it took to rescue her from me.

They don’t get it. They’ll never understand. I can say “I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t. I don’t want to have a child so much that it ruins me. I don’t recognize myself anymore and it makes me sad. I want to be ME again.” And they still don’t get it – they think I’m hiding behind a wall, deflecting the pain. I’m not. I’m serious. I simply can’t do this to myself or to Aaron anymore. It’s not fair. What right does IF have to take away our selves?

Enough rambling for tonight. I hate long posts because I get bored by the end, and I hate writing them for the same reason. I guess that’s what I get for not posting for a month. I forgot that this a good place to just think. If you’re still here, still reading…thanks! And go check out my friends’ blogs. Some need cheers, some need support, some will make you giggle – but go see them!

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  1. I’m glad you guys had some time to yourselves! That resort sounds lovely.And I totally understand your resistance to IVF. All of us have to do what works for each of us. For some it’s IVF, for some it’s living child-free (and there are a bunch of other stops in-between). But if you lose yourself in the process, the end result loses its meaning. Keep being true to yourself, and tune out those who just don’t get it.

  2. Marie-Ann

     /  April 7, 2007

    Glad to see you back!! I missed your rambling lol. People don’t get it when you give up… because they’ve not been through it. Only you can make the decisons that are right for you and DH, Keep strong honey. You’ll find your peace one way or another.

  3. Amber

     /  April 10, 2007

    Hey there Jen, glad to see you blogging again 🙂I’m very proud of you for coming to a decision & sticking w/it & determining to not lose yourself in the whole IF process. I’ll continue to keep you & Aaron in my thoughts & prayers 🙂 I hope things continue to work out for you!


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