Insensitive Infertiles?

This post over at Stirrup Queens about “Secondary Fertility” got me thinking about a lot of things in my life. As I was pondering those who struggle with infertility the first time around and get so lucky the second time around…the mail arrived. In the mail this morning was a birth announcement from a girl I have known through the WebMD boards for many years. I knew she’d had her baby – I get an Email every time she updates her page so I know to go check it if I can handle it. This morning, though…I began to wonder.

Those of us who live in the Land of IF have a (usually) unspoken set of rules that we live by. Things we do and do not say to those who don’t live here, and even to others that do. The way we behave towards those lucky enough to escape, and those who seem doomed to live here forever. Some, like me, just hang around trying to help…even though we don’t really live here anymore, because we can’t seem to find the door to leave. I began to wonder…do those codes apply once you do leave? Do you suddenly forget that others are still sensitive? Do you have a magical form of amnesia that allows you to blank all the heartbreak that you experienced at the hands of others? If so, can I get some of that?! 🙂

I am not terribly upset at the birth announcement. A few months ago it would have had me in tears, but I’m alright. I think I’ve come to terms with not having children – or at least am in serious denial and justification mode. But how many other girls that we know received this in the past week? How many of them just got their 80th BFN or got news that their tubes are blocked or their totsicles didn’t survive the thaw?

At what point do infertiles have to learn to “suck it up” and not let it bother them anymore? Why do we think we have the right to be so very sensitive about our reproductive state? Why do we all react so differently to it? (Some hide the problems, some wear it as a badge, some talk to complete strangers about it all the time…like me!) Why do we expect the rest of the world to tip-toe around us because we’ve been told we can’t have what they can? If that were the case, we would not eat chocolate in front of diabetics because the diabetic would have the right to cry at us for pushing it in their face. There are so many fine lines and double-standards to everything. It makes me wonder how we all survive, how our families stay in tact, how we keep our friends. I’m afraid I don’t have any answers to any of my questions, but they’re just food for thought.

Hello to everyone still reading me. I promise I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. It’s “Dead Week” this week, finals are next week, the boss is on vacation for a week after that. Then it’s SUMMER BREAK. No classes for 3 whole months. There’s a lot going on in my life – I’m just not sure how much of it I’m comfortable sharing here. I don’t want to run anyone away, and I sure as hell don’t want to be judged for my choices in life…good or bad. I’m hoping to get back to writing this summer, but there isn’t a lot that seems like it would be interesting to all of you. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by – have a GREAT week!

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  1. “At what point do infertiles have to learn to “suck it up” and not let it bother them anymore?”This is something I’m wrestling with right now. And I don’t know the answer, but I sure wish someone did. I realize that my fertility issues are no one else’s fault, but it still pisses me off that I have to “be nice about it” when people do or say things that make me feel horrible, because by saying something I not only make everyone uncomfortable but I also risk being perceived as “over sensitive” or “pathetic.” Why do WE have to avoid making them uncomfortable, but it’s unreasonable to expect it the other way around? UGH!Sorry you’re dealing with this right now, Tigger. Even if it doesn’t make you feel as bad as it would have a short time ago, it still sucks that you have to go through it. On a happier note, it IS great to see you back!

  2. I followed you back here from Stirrup Queens, because I found your comment very interesting. Hello!I remember being told by my sister, as she sat cradling her beautiful baby daughter, that if I didn’t like hearing certain comments I needed to educate everyone as to what was and wasn’t acceptable. Though I would have thought telling an infertile woman ‘you need to hurry up and produce a cousin for my little girl’ is self-evidently a crappy thing to say, but I digress.I find I can let it go and not mind, really, when people who don’t know my problems make clueless if well-intentioned remarks. But I can’t, I simply can’t get over it when people who DO know say stupid things. I shouldn’t have to educate them. They should show empathy and compassion. How come I have to be a better human being than everyone else simply because my people find my condition embarrassing?Anyway, good luck with your current situation.

  3. JW

     /  May 1, 2007

    Hey Tigger, I also found you through your comment at Stirrup Queens. Just wanted to come and say hi! I’ll be checking up on you so keep writing okay.

  4. Unless you are keeping corpses in the basement (you’re not keeping corpses in the basement…right?) I don’t think you’ll run anyone off. Congratulations on it almost being summer break.I think there are two kinds of people–those who learn from their experiences and those who don’t. And I think those who learn tend to walk away with the sensitivity still intact BUT they also carry with them the pain. The ones who said it all disappeared once they held their child? They tend to not be the most thoughtful later on. And when I say the pain remains, it is there, but it changes. It’s not the same form.They’re all good questions–and I think a lot of it is about sensitivity. If someone acknowledges what I’m going through, I can tolerate and even enjoy a lot. Thank you for the comment today. It was very honest. And I think it’s important to talk about these things.

  5. Marie-Ann

     /  May 1, 2007

    Tig,There is NO time when you have to ‘suck it up’ There IS still that code that most of us grads live by. I’m sorry that your sister didn’t think before she spoke.Huggs to you and keep up on the page, I’ve been wondering where you went!

  6. I too followed you here from Stirrup Queens and want to encourage you to keep writing, no matter what it’s about.p.s. Just a head-up that if you follow my blog-link, I just found out that this cycle possibly worked and so I completely understand if you don’t want to come over to read.

  7. Mr Blue Sky

     /  May 2, 2007

    Hi TiggerDon’t bottle it up, and never apologise for how you feel. px


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