The waiting is over

(WARNING: This post is angsty and possibly a bit graphic)

AF finally arrived last night around 9:30. She’s still light, but the last two have been as well. I figured this one would be heavy, since the last two were light and this one is later than usual, but I’ll have to wait and see.

I snapped at Chuckles last night. So far he’s been slightly amusing where pregnancy is concerned. He lectured me yesterday on how to use a HPT and when the best time was – I tried not to look at him as if he were an alien. As if I haven’t figured this out after all this time? I mean, yes I’ve taken tests only a handful of times…but I think I know how and when! Last night, though, was the straw. My period finally started and I rejoiced, because it meant I didn’t have to test this morning (I hate it) and I could get my root canal done today without feeling guilty. He looks at me and says in all seriousness “You know Jen-Jen, you could still be pregnant”.

I almost killed him. If Giggles hadn’t been in the way I might have gotten very close to him to say what I said in response. As it was, I snapped “No, Chuckles, I’m not. I’ve been doing this for 3 1/2 fucking years and I can guarantee you that if my period started then I am not pregnant.”

He said “But…” and I said “No. Not fucking pregnant” and he just pointed at Giggles.

Oh for the love of all that is sacred and holy! Have I not served my time? Have I not done what I could to educate every last person in my vicinity on what not to say? Have I not tried to de-bunk every fucking myth I’ve come across? WHY…WHY when I finally get the people in my life to stop harassing me with “just relax” and false hope do I have to do this again?! Why do people insist on believing that just because they got pregnant while on vacation in Jamaica that everyone who wants to be pregnant should go to Jamaica? Just because it sometimes happens does not mean it happens every fucking time. I’m fairly certain that infertility exists there too! And just because Giggles may or may not have had her period the first month she was pregnant does not mean that every other fucking female on the face of this planet will have her period the first month they are pregnant!

I don’t know what to do with him. I refuse to let false hope exist in this household. I’ve served my time, I’ve had my pain. I have my own hopes (I tested, didn’t I?) and I’ve learned to live with my period showing up, the blood representing my beaten and battered dreams flowing out for another month. My husband has learned what to do and say – and I don’t think he’s ever tried the false hope route. I’ve tested when AF is here at least once, because I was convinced that I had to have been pregnant and that this was just a fluke. I’VE BEEN THIS ROUTE. Please, God, don’t make me do it again. I can’t take it.

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5 Comments

  1. GAH! I’m so sorry, Tigger. The old Late-AF-But-Negative-Pee-Stick trick gets me every time too. It sucks. Royally. And some people just DON’T get it: when you just want to let it go already, do your crying, and move on. I’m sorry you had to deal with that too.(I have to say, I’m really in awe of you for being able to live with pregnant Giggles and not go ’round the bend. I don’t think I’d have the emotional bankroll for that. IF certainly strips us down to the kind of people we really are–and I’m finding that most people are a hell of a LOT nicer than I am.)

    Reply
  2. Crap. I’m so sorry, Tigger. Sorry for the BFN. Sorry for AF showing up. Sorry for Chuckles not understanding and giving you the space you need. It’s enough that we go through this, without the added burden of having to educate everyone around us, over and over again. It’s not fair.

    Reply
  3. Jess

     /  July 27, 2007

    I vote beat him.Beat him!! Seriously!! You must! It’s your only hope.And, because, you know, he DESERVES it.

    Reply
  4. Hey, a firstorseconddayofyourperiod must is whipping up on some putz. I say you’re due. :o) Hugs, punkinhead and tell Mr. Know Everything that the mean bitch in Cincy said SHUT UP.

    Reply
  5. Amber52377

     /  July 31, 2007

    Well hell…I leave on my girly vacation w/fingers crossed that I’d get to read some amazing news from you only to hear the hag decided to crash the party. Stupid biotch!! Good Gosh, can’t she go bother some stupid 16 yo??Thanks for making me feel welcome Jen- I do appreciate it. Lots of hugs!!

    Reply

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