The waaaaaiting is the hardest part

/Tom Petty song

I went to the doc this morning and talked to him about my missing AF. As of today, she is 5/7/9 days late. The doc asked me about my stress levels…yes, they’re through the roof but I’ve been here before and it’s done nothing but make my cycles 28 days instead. I tried to explain that, and the 31 day chemical pg. As soon as he noted there was a little variation, he decided that we should give it another cycle to show up. If not, he’ll do a progesterone challenge. A wha-huh? I’m going to assume Provera, since I can’t think of anything else. Joy. I get to wait another month, which means that when she DOES show it’s going to be a real bitch. I’m guessing that the longer you go without a cycle the more ick and the heavier it will be? I have no experience with this…I’m adrift in the infertility sea and I’m not used to that.

Also on the topic of waiting: I spoke to my mom this morning. They did her mammogram and the MRI mammogram on Wednesday – she should get those results on Monday. They also managed to get her in for that PET scan yesterday instead of next week. She will probably get those results on Monday as well. So the wait is on…just a few more days.

I keep getting ahead of myself with all of this. I”ve gotten myself totally freaked out, thinking “What am I doing to do with dad when she dies? We aren’t exactly close anymore and I can’t relate to him and he’s not even remotely open about his feelings. How will I help him grieve? How will I take care of him? That house is too big for just him, even though it’s a small house. He couldn’t even manage to take care of it and himself when mom was in the hospital…let alone never coming home again. He refuses to pay the bills, even though mom told him what to pay when. He just saved it up and took it to her once a week so she could do them. How is he going to cope? Would it be better for him to stay there? Move to Burley where his job is? Move back ‘home’ to MA with his family? Move here with me? But if he does that I will feel compelled to check in on him several times a week. There’s a reason my parents are 200 miles away. But he’s my dad – it’s my job to take care of him. Who is going to plan the funeral? Will mom want me to sing? CAN I sing? I think I know what she’d want me to sing but I don’t know if I can do it then. It’s hard normally! Where will she want to be buried? Where she’s lived for the past 25 years? Flown back to MA and buried with her family? If she does that it means cremation – can we handle that? Will my brother attend the funeral? do I want him to? Will there be a will, since my father is still alive, or does everything automatically transfer to him? I’m sure he’ll give me her clothes, since I’m the one who is her size…but do I want them? Can I make myself get rid of them, knowing they were mom’s? What do I do????” (insert heart rending, soul searing wail from the core of my being here)

This is what’s been going round and round and round in my brain since Monday. I know I’m ahead of myself…we have to get through the dx and treatment (if any) first. She may not die for years and years…or it could be next week. None of this is really my responsibility, but I always have to have a plan. Without a plan I’m lost.

I’m lost.

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  1. Jess

     /  September 21, 2007

    I’m so sorry that things are all still in limbo for you! I’ve never heard of the progesterone challenge, either. Not sure of that one. Hopefully your mom’s tests come back good and you don’t have to worry about her any more for a long time. Thinking of you!

  2. Tigger, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I can’t imagine a harder thing to go through at this moment. I’ll add her to my prayers.You’ll have a plan. Once the shock has passed and you have more information, you’ll move into action mode. But give yourself some time to absorb this and adjust.If you need to talk, vent, cry, please feel free to email me, okay, hon?

  3. Oh, sweetie, all those questions. It’s so hard. Just sending a lot of peace to you.


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