Confessions of a _____ Soul

I’m not sure what category these fall under, or what’s even going to come out when I write, but I have to put it down somewhere.

I started reading blogs about the time I started writing mine – a little over a year. In that time I’ve picked up quite a few blogs that I read regularly – more than just what’s on my sidebar. The problem is that I’m not terribly interested in some of them any more. I don’t know why, I’m just not. But I can’t stop reading them. Why? Because I feel guilty if I try to. I feel like I should continue reading these people because I am a part of their listener base, their support system. It’s not right that I just go away when they aren’t interesting to me anymore – that’s not fair. They aren’t writing for my benefit – they are writing for their own…

..and yet I write mine in the hopes that others will read it. I hope that my blog helps other people, even though it’s just about my life now and no longer primarily about infertility. Yes, infertility and my struggles with coping play a part…but it’s not the primary reason for this place anymore. Now it’s a place for me to vent, to put my thoughts out there for other people to read. It’s selfish. I want people to listen to me as I scream, I want their support as I go through the same hard times that everyone else goes through. Part of me thinks I’m just being my usual melodrama self and that you’re just tolerating me and that this is the reason I don’t have many readers. Not that I don’t appreciate those that I do, because I do. But I get envious of those whose blogs I stumble upon whose every post has 10-15 comments.

Jealousy. That’s another big thing I feel these days. And it’s silly as all hell, but it’s still there. I get jealous when I see the same names pop up in different blogs all over the place, when the same people get tagged for meme’s and awards and whatnot. It’s pitiful and pathetic that the blogosphere should make me feel like this. And now, if anyone DOES tag me, I will always wonder if it’s because they read this post and catered to me to make me feel better.

I’m miserable these days, can’t you tell? I’m in the middle of a HUGE fight with Aaron, which makes me utterly depressed. I’m a negative Nelly (apologies to anyone named Nell around here) and I don’t know how to get out of the hole I’ve sunk in to. I’m not even sure I care enough to try. As I used to say “pardon me while I lay here in the street and bleed a bit.”

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8 Comments

  1. Anonymous

     /  October 6, 2007

    Hey TiggerHope things are a little better with you. Thanks for your messages, everything is going well with the family thanks for asking. work is another matter…Hope to post sometime this week with an update.Take good care of yourselfpx

    Reply
  2. Jess

     /  October 7, 2007

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so terrible. 😦 Hopefully things will pick up for you irl soon and that will help you feel better all around.One day at a time, you know. Soemtimes that’s all we can really hope for…to get by.

    Reply
  3. I’m delurking, well because I think you need to know that I’ve just started reading your blog. Yes, just started. And I apologize for not reading earlier.But, I was looking for someone who had moved away from infertility. Well, the few posts I’ve read spoke to me. So, I hope that brings you comfort, because you have to me.

    Reply
  4. Tigger, I come through on a pretty regular basis, but I’m a horrible lurker! I occasionally write a post that gets no commments, and it does make me feel a little lonely, too. That doesn’t make you a horrible person.

    Reply
  5. It’s hard to dig out of a hole, but you’ve already made two important steps: you’ve recognized where you are and you’ve written about it. I hope when you hit “post” on this one, you felt a bit of the weight leave your shoulders.I’m still here and still reading, even though you’ve decided to “move on” for now. I still care 😉

    Reply
  6. Just dropped you an email with my email. Really hoping you’re feeling less down…I know it’s always puzzling to me why some blogs get huge amounts of comments and others don’t. Doesn’t seem to follow any logic!

    Reply
  7. Tigger, I know what you mean, but, at least you aren’t as lame as me! I mean I got tagged by Pamela Jean and still haven’t posted my Rockin’ Bloggers cause in an uncharacteristically Libran way, I can’t make up my mind! There are just too many darn good writers out there.Also, I’m sometimes convinced no one reads my blog, but then I look at the non-robot stats, or the references from elsewhere, and am like, darn, I have readership! I check your blog pretty regularly – for me. (I’m kind of absent minded due to Lupron right now.) And, honestly, you have readers. Look at the stats!Pax,MLO

    Reply
  8. Hope things are looking a little better now…You aren’t alone in this.

    Reply

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