Pardon me, Miss…your bitter is showing

That about sums me up these days. Bitter. I’m talking OJ & toothpaste bitter here, people. What’s got me so bitter? I’m glad you asked.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. I haven’t seen Wilma since her baby boy was born 15 days ago. We’re supposed to go out painting tomorrow with another friend and she’s bringing baby with her (I think), so that should be fun. Or not. Other friend doesn’t like children – period. She never wants to have them. She’d prefer other people didn’t have them either, but that’s their choice. She’s also 18, so I give her time to mature. 🙂 At any rate, I’m going to be stuck for a few hours with a newborn that I’ve apparently been avoiding. I mean, how hard is it for me to take a few hours some night and go over to her house to see her? It’s not like she lives far away – maybe 10 minutes. I could have gone on Friday, between classes, or sometime on Monday…but I didn’t. I’m a terrible friend and I will never admit that I’m avoiding her. Her baby is adorable. I’ve successfully avoided baby fever the entire time she’s been pg, and the entire time Giggles has been living here…only to be blindsided by it an hour after he was born. The night the baby was born, another friend of ours was talking about coming to grips with the fact that his friends were having another child. I told him “Don’t worry, J. I won’t make you deal with my kids.” He says “That’s probably a good idea. Keep them away from Uncle J.” I said “No, I just won’t have any.” It struck me then just how bitter I was becoming.

Giggles. Giggles keeps having contractions. She keeps going to the hospital and they keep sending her home. Last week when she went in, her cervix was dilated to 2. She went to the doc yesterday and there’s been no change. Tonight, however, her contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and strong enough to bring tears to her eyes. Off to the hospital they went again. I swear, I do not know what I am going to do if they bring home their baby girl. I’ve been more or less ignoring the fact that Giggles is pregnant simply by not talking about it too much. I’ve become a hermit, spending a large amount of my time in my computer room. I haven’t been in my living room hardly at all for the past few months – just for the occasional movie. I’ve just given it over as THEIR domain. I’ve also been hoping against hope that they would find a place before this child is born – and I don’t care if it’s the day before or if the move makes her go into labor. I WANT THEM OUT BEFORE THAT CHILD IS BORN! I do NOT want a child in this house that is not mine. I realize this is selfish and you know what? I don’t give a fucking rat’s ass. There is no room. My sanity can’t take it. I don’t need the sleep dep that’s going to come along with having a child across the hall. And these are all excuses for the real reason: It’s not mine.

My back. I’m losing all faith in my doctors. I had my 4th injection yesterday – and it didn’t work. Doc says the next step is to burn out the nerve (a rhizotomy). I don’t think so. I like my nerves right where they are. This also isn’t a permanent fix – nerves grow back after 6-9 months and with it comes the pain. I don’t want a fucking temporary fix. I’m tired of the pills and the injections and the pain. I’m tired of not being able to walk anywhere. Six months ago walking around campus was no big deal – now it feels like several miles to walk even a short distance and I’m totally wiped. I’m tired of not being able to have sex with my husband because my hips hurt too much (the pain is spreading). I’m tired of not being able to even cuddle with him because he sleeps on my right and the right hip is the worst. It hurts to sit. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! First IF stole it…and just as I was trying to reclaim it, the pain hit hard. I’m just so fucking tired of it all. And I’m tired of being tired. I don’t believe that docs can fix me any more. I think they see me as a money pit because I’m desperate for relief. I can’t be on the hope roller-coaster. IF sucked that right out of me and I just can’t make myself get on it for anything anymore.

I know there’s more that’s bothering me, but the keyboard is starting to blur from the Ambien I took a few minutes ago. It’s 11:00 and I have to be up at 5:30 because my boss decided she needed me at the last minute. So…up early, then bio lab, then a night with Wilma and her baby. I don’t think I like tomorrow very much and I’m not even through today yet…

Leave a comment


  1. Jess

     /  October 18, 2007

    I’m sorry. 😦I hope your back at least feels better soon. The rest….I just hope it’s better than you think it’ll be in the end.

  2. Oh, Tigger. I don’t know what to say. Sending hugs your way and hoping it gets better. It just has to.


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