God/Karma has a funny sense of humor

And I’m really tired of being the butt of the joke.

It’s official: Giggles and Chuckles are moving out on November 9th. The joke? The baby is due on the 8th. I may not have to wait that long, however. Three days ago she had a doc’s appointment. Her doctor told her that she was 75% effaced and that she could feel the baby’s head. This led me to think that she’s going to have this child before her due date.

I was right, I think. This morning, at 8am, Chuckles took Giggles to the hospital. Her contractions were pretty strong and close together. I got a call from my MIL a bit ago to update me – I had asked her to, because I HATE surprises. I want to know what to expect when I get home from class tonight. Apparently the baby is ok, but they can’t wake her. I assume this means that the baby isn’t moving much. They’re a little worried and keeping a close eye on Giggles and baby. It’s sounding more and more like they’re going to do a C-section. My heart just plummeted…and even typing the words out makes it feel like my heart is in my stomach.

I can do this, right? I can handle it for a week. Aaron thinks I should take mom’s advice. Mom, upon hearing how upset I was after being around Wilma and her newest, said “I think you should go talk to Wilma. Tell her how you’re feeling. Hold the baby a lot. You’ll get used to it and be ok.” I love my mother, but sometimes she’s so dense. What am I going to say? “Wilma, I love you. You’re my best friend in the whole world. I’m happy that you have two kids – I really am. I love your kids to pieces. However, I cannot stand to watch you bond with your newest. It’s killing me. I can’t be around you, because you have to bring him with you…and I get that. He needs you and all is cool. I just can’t watch the bonding.” Yeah…that’s going to go over well.

I got to hold him over the weekend and it was fine – I don’t have a problem with that. I actually got him to sleep – soundly. I’m great with babies and kids. That’s where the problem lies. I’m kick ass with kids – and yet I don’t have any. I bond with kids – but I don’t have any. Instead I get to watch my friends and family bond with their kids while I stand on the sidelines and watch through the glass. Sometimes I can pretend I’m on the inside – like when I get to hold them. No one seems to see the naked longing that must be on my face as I gaze at the small creature in my arms. Sometimes I pretend that I don’t like children – like when they’re being loud and noisy – because it’s simply easier that way. It’s so much easier to retreat into the anger and hate than it is to deal with the other emotions that are evoked.

To move off that topic: I’m giving up on my current pain care doc. I’m trying to get in to see another one. I think my current one is just a needle jockey – he wanted to do another set of injections that would equal out to ten or so by the time they were done. I’m so not willing to do that unless forced. On the up side, the latest medication he put me on seems to be helping a little bit. The burning pain in my hips has subsided. They still hurt, but not as bad. My back is still giving me fits – the knot of pain that left after the last injection two weeks ago has reappeared this morning. I’ve also got a numb spot the size of a fist that I’ve had for years – but it’s getting more insistent. It used to happen every so often, but not often enough for me to remember when the last time was. Now it’s happening every day if not several times a day. No fun. It doesn’t hurt, but it sure as hell feels really weird. 🙂 I’m hoping that the new guy is better than the last one – otherwise I might give up entirely!

School is kicking my ass. I have 3 papers due today and I haven’t written any of them. 😦 Biology is HARD – I’ll be content if I pull a C something in this class. I’m looking into switching my majors into something more appropriate for me – just a plain old Office Specialist. I can do that. I’ve done that. The degree will just make it easier to get a job. The state is always looking for them – I don’t care what department I work in, just give me a job that makes me money!!! 🙂

I’m sorry this post has been so long and such a downer. I’m a whiner, it’s true. 🙂 I just know y’all will understand. Aaron understands too, but I think he gets tired of it. Hell, when giggles told me what the doc said, I whimpered when she left the room. Aaron said “Yeah, that was about my thoughts on things. I’m sorry hun.” He knows – he just knows me. But…it’s not fair to him. At least you have the option not to listen to me – he’s stuck! I love all of you. The supportive comments have meant a lot to me lately – thank you for caring and letting me know you’re there.

UPDATE: Giggles came home around 1:30 with the following instructions: Count the movements. If you don’t have X number in two hours, come back. If your contractions are closer than 5 minutes, come back. Well, when Aaron got home he checked in with her. Apparently the baby isn’t moving like she should, but they’re giving it another 30 minutes. At that point it had been 4 hours! They should have gone back! She decided instead to eat something sugary and see if it helped. WTF? I am so tired of this. Does she not realize how serious this can be? I know, the child could be ok…but she could also be under stress and that’s not good. I officially wash my hands of anything that may or may not happen. She refuses to listen to doc orders. I am so angry at her right now.

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  1. Jess

     /  November 4, 2007

    I hope Giggles and the baby are ok. It’s so hard when you see people you care about with the one thing you want, not treating it with respect. :p Hopefully things work out. And you don’t have to spend TOO much time with baby in the house.Or any, but maybe that’s unrealistic at this point? I don’t know.Sorry school is sucking. And, you know, everything.It’s ok to whine. Everyone does it. It’s justified. 🙂

  2. I hope you’re hanging in there…


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