Finding Me

I know I’ve been quiet. My other blog has been quiet too. There’s a lot going on – a lot of it internal. My temper is finally getting under control. I realized this the other night when I intentionally lost it and yelled at someone. Not screaming, not raging – but I was seriously pissed off. Enough that I got out of bed, stalked to the kitchen, and yelled at my SIL to shut the f* up because we were trying to f*ing sleep and that it was after mid-f*ing-night and DH had to get up for work at 7-f*ing-o’clock in the morning and she should just f*ing shut it and take up the argument she was having with her s/o in the f*ing morning when they were both f*ing sober. I haven’t cussed that much in a single sentence in a long time! (To her credit, she showed more brains than I would have when I was like her – she shut up. I? I would have transferred my rage.) As I was talking to DH about it afterward, I realized that I don’t rage like I used to. I don’t scream, I don’t throw things. I still slam doors when I’m mad, but it’s more like “shutting really hard intentionally” than “I have to do something or I will explode so I will SLAM this door as HARD as I can and make the windows rattle in their sills”.

I was remembering many years ago and a conversation I had with my mother about tempers. She said “when I was younger, I had a nasty temper…much like you have now.” I looked at her askance, having rarely ever seen my mother lose her temper and trying to reconcile that with someone like me, who rages blindly. Mom said “No, really. I used to go ballistic all the time. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I started to get a grip on it. Now I’m ok – most of the time.” I figured my mother was yanking my chain. I mean..c’mon. I was a RAGER. There’s no way to stop me, just let me wind down and run out of steam. I’d apologize once I calmed down. Don’t take me personally unless you KNOW it’s to do with you. I threw things. I developed a boxer-fracture in my right hand, which I broke in the same spot 22 times between the ages of 17 & 22. Only one of those breaks involved another person – most of the times it was walls, trees, dumpsters, benches… you get the idea. There was no WAY I was going to get a grip on this – I was sure I’d always be like this.

Now? Well, it occurred to me that here I am, in my 30’s. (seriously? how did I get here?!) I’m calmer than I used to be. I spend a lot of time irritated, but not angry. My temper is, however, well established. Most of the time a look suffices to make people cooperate with me, at least with those who know me. Dh says I’m more in control than I used to be too. But how? I have no freaking clue. I’m assuming it’s an age thing. 🙂

I miss me, though. Not the anger, oh no, but the person I was BEFORE the anger. Even the person I was, during the Raging Years, when I wasn’t actually raging. I used to be fun. I used to have fun. I used to have sex several times a day – now I haven’t the energy for it. I used to go out dancing – now it’s painful. I used to be skinny – I’ve gained 100 pounds in 12 years. I miss me. Where did I go?

Anyways, the title of this post (and what prompted me to write here again after almost 5 months) is a song I just heard on Pandora radio. It’s called Inner Glow , and it’s by Finger Eleven. Watch, listen, read. (video sucks, but…well, at least you can hear the song)

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1 Comment

  1. Jess

     /  February 11, 2009

    Good to hear from you. Getting a grip on your rage is good…I think we all miss, to some degree, the person we were “before” this thing, or that thing. If you know what I mean.Glad to have you back.


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