A Sample of My Thoughts

I am seriously paranoid these days. Like, enough so that I didn’t get much sleep because my brain kept me away with paranoid thoughts and I couldn’t shut it off. A sample:

Last night, before bed:
“I wonder what defines ‘pelvic pressure’. Everything says ‘beware of pelvic pressure, it could signal pre-term labor or birth soon, depending on how far along you are’. I feel…full. Like when you have to pee REALLY bad and have waited almost too long, or you eat too much. That kind of full. Does that define pelvic pressure? Or is it a different feeling? Smallfry IS head down, and the web says that with him like that it could cause pelvic pressure and backache. But my back always hurts, between my spine being effed up and the sciatic nerve flaring up. So that really isn’t a good indicator…but the pelvic pressure I should watch out for. And pre-e could show up at any time, and it’s another indicator of that, but I don’t know what to look for! I should call Trish… (my doc’s nurse)”

Early morning (5:30am) gave us this:
“I should call Trish. I mean, I’m leaking fluid and I don’t know if it’s amniotic or not. It’s colorless and odorless, like the web says. It’s not CM, because I have some creamy CM and we all know you can’t have watery and creamy at the same time. And there was that *pop* that I felt/heard earlier tonight and now I have MORE fluid than I did before and what if the sac got a tear in it and I’m leaking fluid and Smallfry doesn’t have enough, and I don’t know what that does but I know it’s really bad and he hasn’t been moving as much lately and what if he dies and I don’t know about it. Ok, so he’s moving a little, but what if I’m imagining it because I’m so used to it?”

This morning brought:
“You know, Smallfry hasn’t moved much during the night or this morning. I hope he’s ok. I’ll have some sugar, that usually wakes him up. *insert eating cookies here* He’s still not moving, I’ll give him time. *10 minutes* Well, he’s moving a little but nothing like usual. I should call Trish. No, no, they’ll think I’m paranoid. Wait, I AM paranoid. This isn’t going to go well…. Also, shouldn’t SOMEONE have checked my cervix my now to see if I’m dilated or effaced or anything? I mean, I AM 33 weeks, when do they start this? I should call Trish and ask….”

And this afternoon:
“I wonder if they’ll induce to save my sanity. I’m not sure I can take 7 more weeks of my brain. I know we’re weaning me off my meds, which means this isn’t going to get any better, and I still have a step to go before I’m off, and I don’t want to be induced before the beginning of March anyways since that will put me at 36 weeks. I still wonder if they’d do it. But won’t I feel like a wuss? ‘Gee, sorry, I need to be induced because my BRAIN can’t freaking HANDLE me being pregnant anymore, even though my body is…doing ok, for certain values of ok.’ I mean, seriously. There’s no physical issues other than the pain, no complications that I know of. I mean, yes, I’m worried he could die on me and I’d have no idea until it was too late. But that’s just because I’m paranoid…right? Yes, going crazy, don’t mind if I do – wanna come? Maybe I’d do better with him on the outside. I’m not READY for him to be on the outside, but at least then I stop worrying about my body killing him and start worrying about other things. I should call Trish and ask.”

So far I haven’t called Trish. 🙂 I have an NST tomorrow, which I’m sure will show me that he’s just fine like it always does. I’m having them twice a week now, I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not, although I meant to. I have a doc appt in a week and if I can hang on to my sanity until then, I’ll try and remember to talk to him about the paranoia. Unless, of course, it gets worse, or something happens, or….. *sigh* here we go again…

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