DOOOOOOM

I have an impending sense of DOOOOOOM. I don’t know why, it’s not connected to any one event – meaning that it doesn’t increase when I think about my birthday, or our trip the day after, or The Boy’s surgery.

Speaking of surgery, did I remember to update on the status of that? It’s scheduled for August 23rd, which is 5 days before school starts. He will get out of the hospital at the very earliest on the 24th, and could be in there until the 26th depending on how well he drinks fluids and handles the surgery altogether. Daycare is thankfully willing to still take him, even though he’s new and it’s going to mean more work for them for 3 weeks until he gets those splints off. They won’t be able to give him snacks because he’ll be on a pure liquid diet, which means they’ll have to mix up more than formula – more like Carnation breakfast in milk, in a specific sippy, for him. If they’ll take him for this, they are definitely our place!

My birthday is Wednesday and I turn 35. I have found, the last few years, that I don’t know what to make on my birthday. True Gemini mentality coming into play, I suppose.

On the one hand, I want people to make a deal of it. A friend to randomly come get me (after Aaron is off work) and take me to a movie or dinner. A group of friends getting all of us and going to dinner (no movie if we have the child with us). People to deliberately wish me happy birthday, not just leave me a message on Facebook. A present, other than a gift cert from my uncle (who also never fails to remind me that it’s the same day he got married to his ex-wife and at least I’ve been around longer than she was) which I can count on ever year. Not that the gift cert is bad, it’s just…it doesn’t take any thought. I blame mom for this. She always took the time to think about people, get them something they would want or that made her think of them. Gift certs were either for people you didn’t know very well (hence my uncle sending one to me) or someone who is hard to shop for (me, with dad). My dad has been following my grandmother’s footsteps now that he doesn’t have mom to pick out gifts for me and just giving me a check. Again, I don’t MIND but I would, just once since mom died, like a family member to ask me what I want (I have a damn Amazon wishlist up to help them, even!).

On the other, I’m 35. I don’t need a party. People exhaust me in groups. I really shouldn’t even care if anyone remembers (a few years back, Aaron’s parents forgot to wish me a happy birthday and as you can see, I haven’t forgotten about that). I shouldn’t care about presents or cards or anything. I don’t WANT anyone to make a big deal out of it…except see the previous paragraph. I think it has to do with wanting to feel special, like I matter, like people care.  I often feel patronized: “But of course you matter. Of course people care. I care, she cares, he cares. The Boy would be lost without you. Your family couldn’t run without you. People love you.” Yeah, well…I’m glad that people rely on me, but what about ME for ME, not for what I do for other people. Is there anything special about me as a person? (yes, I know, inherently and blatantly selfish. Don’t care. Must get thoughts out of head.)

The day after my birthday we are going on a trip for a few days to Wolf Creek Resort, near Eden, UT. It’s nice to get away and we don’t do this often. I won’t have the computer, most likely, although I will have my phone. We usually end up reading a lot, actually watching TV, sightseeing, buying stuff we don’t really need. We sometimes do Christmas shopping on these trips, because it’s not something that our friends will find back home. And we ALWAYS get a pair of shotglasses from wherever we go. Some people collect spoons and magnet, we collect shotglasses. We have to pass right through Burley, so dad and mom’s bestest friend are going to meet us for lunch when we get there. Mom’s friend hasn’t seen The Boy since he was very very little – like, last summer little. We just can’t get down to dad’s when he’s not working because of Aaron’s work schedule. Oh yes, dad retired in September and started back (same place) a few months ago. The man is a workaholic, always has been. I knew he couldn’t stay retired! Anyhow, we’ll meet up with them which will let us eat and give The Boy a chance to stretch. We’re planning on leaving about the time he usually takes his first nap in the morning so that he’ll sleep through the first part. 🙂  We just got brand new tires put on the car, and the oil was done the beginning of the month.

So you see, no cause for dooooooom. I’m sure I will forget something, but as long as I remember all our medications, the rest is replaceable. Expensive, but replaceable.  My brain has been messing with me a lot lately. I’ve been meaning to write a post on it but it’s scary and I’m torn between “get it out of your head, idiot” and “no one wants to know about this”. The child is now asleep so i’m going to go play video games and try to feel better.

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1 Comment

  1. That’s an awesome daycare! I feel the same way about gift cards. I actually look forward to my dad’s gifts the most. It’s like he follows dollar store trucks all year and what falls off goes in the mail. The only true surprises in life are those gift packages. Once I got a gallon size can of apple chips.

    ‘Yeah, well…I’m glad that people rely on me, but what about ME for ME, not for what I do for other people.’ This. I get that, I do. I’ve tried to explain that to my husband, how the examples he gives when I ask are things that can be done just as well by someone else–cooking dinner, sewing buttons, cutting hair. I need to hear the things that make me special, and it sounds like you do too. Those other things are enough sometimes, but other times, they’re just not.

    You’re special to me because you understand, you relate, you empathize. Even on the things I hope you never have to go through, you offer support. You don’t belittle or patronize or mock. All of those mean very much to me. Yes, someone else can do those too, but not the way that you do. I know that’s still something you do for other people, but you are the one who makes it special.

    Reply

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