Torn

First: Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post regarding my SIL and BIL. She read it, but I don’t know what she’ll do with the information. That’s up to her entirely. I really really appreciate the input, though – even *I* learned something!

I know, I know. I owe updates on what’s been going on with us for the last…eon. This post has been brewing in my head for several days, though, and won’t go away. I am torn on several fronts lately and my brain is just going in circles.

The Boy has surgery on the 23rd and classes start on the 27th. Yes, I know. Four days after my kid has plastic surgery, I’m planting his butt in daycare and going on my merry way. Because it’s totally that easy, and I’m not stressed on it at all. I”m also not completely stressed on the logistics of class, work, daycare, etc. That’s why my house is being cleaned one room at a time and I’m having a hard time sleeping because I’m being compelled to clean. Go go stress-induced cleaning! At least my husband is sorta happy because the house is clean…

Torn area #1: Tai-Chi. As I’m quite certain I’ve posted before, my FIL is sick. Really sick. Although he’s doing a lot better than he was even a few months ago. Funny what getting rid of the fluid around your heart can do for you… At any rate, the Boy’s current daycare schedule is M/T/W from 12:15-5:15 or so. On Tuesday, Aaron will get him because I have Tai Chi until 7. On Thursday, MIL is going to be watching him most of the day because Aaron will be at work and daycare closes at 6…and I have Tai Chi until 7. This is fine…except that when Aaron and his mom had lunch on Friday, she said “I want you to know that I really like babysitting The Boy and am happy to do it, but if your dad gets to the point where I’m not comfortable leaving him home alone, I won’t be able to watch The Boy.” This is PERFECTLY REASONABLE and I have NO problem with it at all. I wouldn’t expect anything different. The problem comes in this form: I can only miss 6 days of class. If he goes down hill before the 10 week mark in the semester, I will fail the class because I would have to miss Thursdays. Aaron has volunteered to change his shifts around if necessary and work part days on Tuesday and Thursday so he can get The Boy from daycare both days after class…but I know he likes having a break in his work week by not working on Tuesdays. I hate taking that away. I could try to find someone else to watch him for those last few hours, but daycare would have to allow someone other than us to pick him up and I’m pretty sure they won’t do that. Or…the easiest thing would be not to take Tai Chi in the first place.

But I like it. And it’s good for my pain levels and stamina. It’s hard, it wears me out, but it’s good for me. And my FIL? Might last 5 more years. This is one of those “who in the hell knows what it’s going to do and when?” type of illnesses. I’m going in circles: take it and hope that everything works out fine? Don’t take it, just in case something happens, so I”m not having to scramble to get someone else to watch him? Stop worrying is not an answer. I don’t do well unless I have a solid plan in place. Ever.
Torn area #2 isn’t actually an area I can talk about. Know that some people close to me are having marriage issues and…it’s not looking pretty. I think I know which outcome would be best, but it’s not my place to get really involved. I’m available for advice and support, but this isn’t a fight I can fight for them…although I would dearly love to. And I really wish I could vent it all here, but it’s not my story and I’m not comfortable with it.

It seems like there was more, but I’ve been repeatedly interrupted by the phone and a child and my brain is just busy screaming at me because it’s frustrated. You know that wordless jumble of sounds you want to scream incoherently when you reach your limit? Yeah, that sound…only it’s just in my head, giving me a headache, and keeping me from thinking. I promise to try and do better – I generally do once school starts because I have fewer distractions, oddly enough. In the meantime, thank you for sticking around during the quiet times.

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